she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
