Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
