So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
