oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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