What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
