question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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