Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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