I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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