he wants to bone in the snuggie
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize