Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
