Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
