"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
