Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
