Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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