Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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