4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
