we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
