I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
