I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
