Whod you bang
I got chris browned last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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