he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
