He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
