That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize