I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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