everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
