I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
