you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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