my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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