She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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