WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
