i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
