Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
