She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize