if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
