im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
