i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
