why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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