Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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