I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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