So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
