i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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