I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
