yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
