I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
