Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
