My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
