The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
