everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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