I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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