I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize