just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
