Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
