I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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