Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize