I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
