Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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