the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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