I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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