hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
